Just before I came home from Spain I started a blog post that I never finished. The majority of that post, with some edits for clarity, is below. It's followed by somewhat of a reflection.
"On day 15 of this program [in Spain], I started a countdown on my phone that ends the second I arrive home in the United States. I have three more days left, and a fully vaccinated individual in my program just tested positive for COVID and is having more than mild symptoms. I am more than a little bit terrified. This hasn’t at all been the experience I thought it would be. Not that I had any huge or outrageous expectations, but I’ve studied abroad before. I’ve traveled before. I didn’t think it would be entirely different from previous, positive trips I’ve had in the past. And I don’t want to sound like I’m kissing Eckerd’s ass, but taking classes with professors at a university very different from my own has really put into perspective how unique the education I’m getting in Saint Petersburg is. I’m fascinated by how much I miss the United States, and even Florida, a place a lot of Americans consider to be abysmal. I have even at times considered it to be abysmal. But I would literally give anything right now to be sitting in a classroom in James or Siebert instead of sitting in my hotel room anxiously wondering if my COVID test tomorrow will be negative, and if I’ll get to go home on time. I generally really enjoy school, but waking up every day here to go to class is incredibly bleak. I feel really unmotivated. My Spanish culture professor is clearly of the opinion that Americans and everything we do is stupid. Every time he shows us Spanish food, celebrations, holidays, etc. he asks us in return to provide examples of things we do in America that are similar, and then proceeds to tell us how boring, lame, and backward we are. And while some days I hate America with every fiber of my being, I absolutely don’t think everything we do is bad. And hearing someone who I'm not sure has even stepped foot in America tell me how terrible we are made me so angry. I almost felt patriotic? What kind of ethnocentric bullshit is that? Coming from a college professor? It’s like I’m relearning behaviors and ways of thinking that Eckerd professors have spent three years trying to make me unlearn. I’m glad I can at least recognize things like this when I hear them, but it’s exhausting to listen to every day. In a classroom, from a professor, who I'm supposed to respect. At least in the states I usually only have to hear Americans say other countries suck online, not right in front of my face, and with authority? I still stand by my previous post that this trip hasn’t been all bad. And my experience has been greatly improved by the fact that my parents decided to come visit for the last week of my program. I regret that I think I really, really would have loved Granada if I loved the people I came with, but I ended up with a group of girls who I just didn’t quite fit in with (though maybe it’s for better that I stopped hanging out with them since one just tested positive for COVID after continuing to go to bars every night). Freshman and sophomore year I wanted to do a whole semester abroad so badly, and now I can’t help but be so incredibly grateful that that didn’t work out. I had an anxiety attack this morning when I found out my classmate was positive, because the idea of having to stay here for two extra weeks trapped alone in a room sounds like the worst thing I could possibly imagine right now. I think I've learned in a rather difficult way that studying abroad during a pandemic is not something I'm built for. At least not without people I know prior to departure. But I don’t think anyone on this trip with me shares this sentiment. I’m grateful to have learned this lesson in a beautiful place like Spain, but what I really want more than anything right now is to get in my bed at home and not see a single stranger for the entire month of August. And even that might be in jeopardy now if my test tomorrow is not negative (because you can’t fly into the United States without presenting a negative COVID test right now). Part of me feels a little bit guilty that I’ve just done a $5,000, fully paid for trip and I can’t come home saying I loved it. And I’m not entirely sure how to come to terms with that. I know it’s not possible to enjoy everything we ever do in our lives, but this was something I was really excited about. Something I’ve wanted to do since I was like 14 years old."
If I remember correctly I wrote this on a bus on the way back from Nerja (a coastal town near Granada). At the time that I was writing, I was going full speed ahead back to a city that I'd grown to detest because of the people in it, and I was freaking out.
Spoiler alert: I was negative for COVID and I came home on time. And reading over my writing again, my attention is being drawn to the half-finished final paragraph. I'm still not sure how to come to terms with the fact that this trip wasn't magical and perfect and wonderful, but I can say I'm grateful for it as I start looking at grad schools (which is occupying a lot of my brain space right now). Much like I always wanted to spend a semester of undergraduate abroad when I was younger, I also thought doing college abroad would be the coolest thing ever. Even freshman and sophomore year at Eckerd I found myself searching for Fulbright programs in Israel, Spain, and the UK and thinking about how amazing it would be to get a graduate degree outside of the United States.
I don't want to do that anymore. At all. Not unless this pandemic ends (which by all accounts seems impossible). But this isn't an upsetting revelation for me, it's actually making my life easier. I can barely narrow down the grad programs I want to apply to in New England; right now I have 11 on my list of potentials. Adding in foreign countries and extra application requirements would make me miserable during this upcoming semester.
You'll notice I said New England, specifically, and that's because I don't really want to be anywhere else right now. Not only is COVID resolving itself a lot better in this part of the country, I just like the North East. It's home. And it's comfortable. I know they say to lean into your discomfort in order to grow, but if I can avoid physical and mental discomfort that can actually cause profound damage to me during a pandemic I think I'd prefer it that way. When I was in high school I literally refused to apply to any colleges in Maine. Maybe a little ironic, but I'm ready to head back to that area of the country for some time (not before I finish my last year at Eckerd though).
This trip really knocked the wind out of me. For the past two, going on three weeks, I've barely left my house. I spend most days in bed, and I'm actually finding it quite difficult to motivate myself to do much of anything. It's taken me three weeks to finish this post. I keep writing and deleting and rewriting and then giving up to binge Netflix for the rest of the day. I'm exhausted. Still. Weeks after coming home. And I'm not even doing anything. It's been a really, really weird summer. I've got a bit of an internal battle going on between feeling totally lazy and useless and acknowledging that my body and my brain need this time and space to relax.
I have ideas for where I want to take this blog, but I think for at least the rest of the month I don't have the brain capacity to write (though maybe that will change). And then when the semester starts I'm not sure I'll have the brain capacity for much of anything outside of classes and grad school applications. I'm not saying I'll never post again, I still really would like to do some writing on Americans' perception of study abroad as an opportunity to go get drunk in foreign countries, but I also have no idea what shape this blog will take in the next couple weeks, and months. Mostly because I have no idea what my life is going to look like in three weeks. I think possibly, at the very least I'd like to start posting my more academic work, if not actual blog posts.
In the meantime, I think I'm going to try to focus on self-care (which does not include any type of schoolwork; even this which isn't really supposed to be defined as schoolwork).
More soon.
Happy trails,
Leah B.
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