Some context for what you're about to read
One of the largest requirements for the Eastman Citizenship and Leadership program that I am a member of is an abroad experience. In light of not being able to go to Colombia or Chile due to COVID, I opted for Spain. Granada, Spain. I arrived here on the 29th of June and started taking language and culture classes on the 2nd of July. I will be here for a month with a program called ISA.
And a disclaimer
This is a relatively unfiltered account of my emotions during the first week or so of my time studying abroad in Spain. Some of it (most of it) is going to come across as negative, but that’s not to say it has all been. Transitions are just hard. Especially for me. When I was 12 my parents got a new dining room table and I was so upset I didn't eat dinner for a week. That's not to say, however, that I'm not grateful to the Eastman program for enabling me to have this experience. I’m only posting this because I see a lot of value in sharing the bad as much as the good. If you want to see a story of rainbows and butterflies about an unforgettable experience in Granada, Spain this is not it. I don't think study abroad is ever that, but it's idealized as such in the U.S. (I could probably write an entire post just on this topic, and maybe I will when I get home; keep an eye out). But back to my point, I’m primarily writing this for future Eastman Leaders to know that they’re not alone if their study abroad makes them feel this way too. It's not easy to shift from the constant comfort of home to the almost constant discomfort that comes with being alone in a foreign country. If I can help future members of this cohort navigate this feeling or at the very least provide a sense of solidarity then I’ve accomplished what I want to with this website.
And the post
The weeks leading up to me leaving for Spain were much more anxiety-filled than those before other trips I’ve been on. I think this was largely due to the fact that COVID is still very much a problem in the world and that I had no familiarity with anyone that I’d be spending the next four weeks with. Despite the fact that I've been vaccinated since April, my COVID anxiety seems to have gotten a lot worse this summer. Every person I come into contact with (even family and friends) and every cough I hear feels like a threat to my life. But the vaccinated (and unvaccinated) people I'm surrounded by don't seem to share this mentality with me anymore. In hindsight, I'm not sure why I hadn't considered that this would prove to be kind of difficult for me in traveling to a foreign country.
Nevertheless, I started packing a week early, in my usual fashion. And it felt weird. It felt like I was just going through the motions with no real end goal; like the 29th would come and I would just stay in bed instead of traveling across the world to get to Granada.
That’s obviously not what happened. I’m in Granada now and have been for 12 days, but it didn’t hit me that I was about to be stuck in Spain for an entire month until my flight from Boston to JFK. I cried the entire duration of that flight. And some more on my flight to Madrid. I’ve never had such a visceral reaction to traveling before. And I’ve never cried upon taking off. Not even when I flew to Nepal and India, arguably a much scarier trip to embark on. But nonetheless, I left the US feeling incredibly anxious and rather alone, with none of the usual excitement that traveling gives me. I know the word stuck might make it sound like I didn't want to be here, and while I don't feel "stuck" now that I've settled in, at the beginning of this trip I felt incredibly stuck.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because that’s entirely not the case, but while Spain is beautiful I don't think I've had a day completely free of anxiety since I’ve arrived (though today is actually off to a very good start). I miss home a lot. And it's really not helping that the majority of people on this program with me are entirely disinterested in school, and would prefer to go to bars and clubs every day of the week; something that makes me extremely uncomfortable because no one under 30 in Spain is vaccinated right now, and the Delta variant is spreading quite quickly. However, if I don’t join I’m afraid I will be entirely friendless for this entire trip. And I feel guilty that most days I opt to just sit in bed for the evening, but it’s ridiculously hot (like over 100° most days) and my room is the only place I feel entirely comfortable.
This first week has showed me that I’m a lot more of a homebody than I ever realized. And that I have a hard time communicating my needs to other people; I think I kind of already knew this, but this problem is intensified by the fact that I don’t know anyone on this trip. The past two years I’ve been struggling with what I can only describe as chronic pain (I don’t have a diagnosis for it, my doctors keep telling me it’s anxiety; it’s not). I frequently have these spells of overwhelming nausea and really terrible stomach pain that makes me feel like I’m about to pass out. Not eating enough, not drinking enough, heat, and stress intensifies it. In Spain, it's ridiculously hot, as I've mentioned, and it’s also normal to eat lunch and dinner late which has not worked well with my body. But when I’m sitting at a tapas bar with 6 other girls who I barely know it’s hard to say “hey, if I don’t eat real food right now I’m going to have a meltdown and maybe pass out too.” So I’ve been opting to just skip out on group events for my personal well-being, but then I have FOMO, and then I feel lame, and when I do go out and I also feel awful. It's like there’s no way to win. I had Burger King the second night here because it was the only place I recognized, and I needed food so badly I almost started crying. And then I felt bad because I'm in a country well known for its amazing food and I had just eaten Burger King. As I’m writing this it seems kind of clear to me that maybe this trip has been more uncomfortable than others I’ve been on because I don’t have a best friend like Jake or Sophie to depend on (both of whom I've traveled with in the past) and it’s scary. Everyone else on my program keeps saying, "you’re only here for a few weeks, why not fly to Italy, so see Barcelona, go out every night" etc., but I feel like there are a million and three reasons why it’s better for me to stay in my room away from COVID and places that are full of strangers and don't have bathrooms (I have to pee all the time).
Yesterday, I got back from a brief trip to Málaga for the weekend (a town on the Mediterranean), where the intention of everyone was to go to clubs and meet boys. And I’m not trying to sound like a total loser, but I hate clubs unless I’m with my best friends and I have a boyfriend at home, so trying to haphazardly talk to boys in broken Spanish with loud music making it impossible to even understand English is not exactly my idea of a good time. I just feel like I don’t quite fit in with the people here and my intentions for this month don’t align with theirs. Which is not something I’d even considered could be a problem until I got here. I mostly only said yes to going to Málaga because I was worried I’d been totally outcast from the social circle we’ve formed. And I did have fun (more than I thought I would), and I got to swim in the Mediterranean which was very cool, but I don't like sand or lying in the sun for 3+ hours every day, so I’m going home a day early because if I don’t have a whole day today (Sunday) to relax I think I’ll explode. It's frustrating that in the US I would likely not be friends with (or enjoy the company of) the majority of the people on this trip because of how different we are, but I have to try to enjoy the things they enjoy or I'm anxious I'll be completely isolated.
I feel like I've said this seven times, but I don’t want this post to sound entirely negative, and I know so far it has. Yet, I also don’t want to paint a picture or study abroad, especially during COVID, as some wonderful perfect experience. It’s absolutely beautiful, and my Spanish is definitely improving, which was my intention for this trip, but there’s been no mention in any of my classes or program orientation about the ethics of being an American student abroad or any of the other things that have been so important in the Eastman Seminar. It’s a very strange thing to feel this way, on a trip with people who overwhelmingly just came to Spain to party. And it makes me feel kind of dumb (though I know I’m not). I just can't express myself in the way that I could at home with friends and classmates. There are two unvaccinated folks on this trip with me, who have frequently gone out to clubs with other unvaccinated people from Spain (and as I said, people our age here have not had the opportunity to receive the vaccine yet). I can't help but think how dangerous it is to come to a country where you can both get and spread COVID and not even think twice about it. Or at least be cautious and refrain from literal super-spreader events. But I'm too afraid to say anything about it, even to the girls I've become closest with, because I have no idea how anyone here aligns politically in the US and it's such a heated issue at home.
I'm not going to finish this on an entirely depressing note, I promise–especially in light of my last blog post that talked pretty extensively about my own reactivity and how I've learned that remaining positive in situations that might seem unpleasant can go a long way–so I will say that every day here gets a little bit better. Genuinely. Some highlights from this week (these might sound insignificant but they’ve made a huge difference in my experience):
I got a fan for my room
I ordered coffee in Spanish, and for the first time the barista didn’t immediately start speaking English because I look American
I got another pillow for my bed
I bought peanut butter
I talked to my Uber driver only in Spanish, and I understood everything he said (and he seemed to understand me)
I made a friend who is as entirely introverted as me, and who makes me feel like I'm not crazy for having a low social battery and not wanting to fly to Italy this weekend and Paris next weekend
I think, as unexpectedly uncomfortable as the transition into Spanish life may have been, I am learning a lot about myself and how to take care of myself, which was also one of my goals for creating this website. So although my first week hasn't been rainbows and butterflies, it hasn't killed me either, and it's not going to. And even though I felt a little "stuck" here in Spain early on, that feeling is wearing off. 19 days doesn't really seem like much, but I'm becoming kind of excited to see where they take me.
Happy trails,
Leah B.
p.s. six hours after I wrote this I was texting my roommates at Eckerd about the difficulty I'm having communicating with other people on this trip when I'm ready to go home, or hungry, or unhappy in some way, and one of them said "Leah you’re the CEO of 'no thanks I don’t want to that’s not good for me.'” Which is so ironic for so many reasons. It doesn't feel like I'm the CEO of that now that I'm in Spain. I guess I need to do more to channel the person I am when I'm with my friends, and people I trust, and with strangers too. Surely communicating our needs is equally as important in any context with any person, but I don't always think about it like that.
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